HomeSexuality & techniquesSexual techniquesWomen’s talk of orgasm does not lead to more sex for men

Women’s talk of orgasm does not lead to more sex for men

Women’s talk of orgasm does not lead to more sex for men

Ironically (because only male responsiveness declines with age) women are often more sexually active when younger. Once a woman has children, she is much less motivated by sex. Women are more confident about admitting that intercourse does not cause orgasm as they age, by acquiring status or wealth or through education. Women today say they have orgasms with a lover but they are no more amenable than older generations.[i]

Andrea Burri, the Swiss researcher, notes that female sexual dysfunction (FSD) is increasing because we have unrealistic expectations for our sex lives. Most women don’t have any expectations and so they never complain. FSD is defined not in absolute terms (of facts or techniques used) but in terms of how upset a woman is by her failure to orgasm with a lover.

Any objective assessment of human sexuality must conclude that while sex may be a frivolous form of entertainment for (at least some) men, it involves a much more serious emotional and relationship commitment for most women. More realistic sex information needs to acknowledge these key differences in our sexual and emotional responses. Women are simply not equipped, physically or emotionally, to respond erotically with a lover.

For men, any lower body contact with an attractive partner is erotic and therefore, to varying degrees, emotionally fulfilling. Men perceive women to be inhibited because they assume that women should naturally be aroused as men are by physical proximity to a lover. In fact women’s lack of responsiveness means they do not respond to sexual scenarios as readily as men do. This is not inhibition but simply the way women have evolved.

Both sexes feel responsible for female orgasm through intercourse and the resulting taboo makes it difficult to find answers. Telling women that they should orgasm through intercourse causes disappointment and frustration. Women end up accepting their unresponsiveness as an excuse for not making any effort in sex. Telling women they need to take an interest in sex for their lover’s sake (in return for his engagement on more emotional and romantic interaction) may help for those who can cope with such honesty.

Women’s genitalia change significantly as they age. I found that increased vaginal secretions made intercourse more comfortable over time. Given I always knew what arousal and orgasm felt like (from before I was a virgin), I have never found intercourse to be remotely rewarding, either emotionally or erotically. I offer vaginal intercourse when I know my own arousal is unlikely or once I have had a climax through clitoral stimulation.

[i] … this improvement in the quality of the coitus … had occurred coincidently with some reduction in the frequencies … It is our impression that today the males of the younger generation more often limit their contacts to the frequencies which their wives desire. (Alfred Kinsey)

Excerpt from Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (ISBN 978-0956-894724)