Male fantasies are usually easily applied to real life. Men fantasise about activities they would like to do. Women do not have the same advantage. Women’s fantasises include taboo themes such as sadism, domination and rape. They involve unrealistic scenarios with a complex psychological context that can be difficult to relate to day-to-day sexual opportunities.
Unless she masturbates to orgasm, a woman is unlikely to appreciate that orgasm relies on erotic turn-ons. If a woman has never had an orgasm, she has not explored her own sexual psychology sufficiently to discover what is arousing enough for her to achieve orgasm. Men are lucky because they find basic concepts (such as a lover’s body) arousing enough for orgasm.
Female orgasm is achieved by massaging the blood flow within the corpora cavernosa of the clitoral organ. The big question is: how does the clitoris become tumescent so that it can be stimulated to orgasm? The answer is that stimulation is supplied instinctively when a woman is responsive (when she has the minimum responsiveness required to experience orgasm). Her mind responds to psychological stimuli of an erotic nature in such a way that the brain causes blood to flow to the genitals. Because of this mental arousal, she is motivated instinctively to stimulate the correct anatomy (indicated by tumescence, which she feels as mild excitement). The sensations of erotic arousal are considerably more muted for a woman.
The psychological context of sexual activity is much more crucial to a woman than it is likely to be for a man. Intercourse requires only that the penetrator is aroused. Even when the receiver is aroused, it is still the soft organs of the vagina or rectum that are damaged rather than the erect penis. Intercourse does not allow a woman to inflict harm on a man. She has nothing to gain by the act. She cannot impregnate him nor can she obtain the erotic and physical stimulation from his body that she needs to orgasm.
An erect penis is both an offer and a threat, which is why women are offended by any uninvited display of the male genitals. A responsive woman focuses on the psychology (rather than visually graphic) aspects of sex. It is the mind behind the penis that makes men more exciting than a sex toy. Sex as an abstract concept can be arousing even though the reality is not. A woman can use an intense focus on fantasy to generate the arousal needed for orgasm. She fantasises about a man doing things to her because men initiate and drive penetrative sex. By focusing on the idea of penetrating a lover’s body, she becomes slowly conscious of her erotic arousal[i] .
[i] Many males … poorly understand the techniques by which females masturbate, the anatomy which may be involved … and the part which fantasy plays in her masturbation. (Alfred Kinsey)
Excerpt from Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (ISBN 978-0956-894717)