Women mature sexually much later than men do so a young woman [i] is very unlikely to discover orgasm with a lover. Over time a woman’s body may respond to being stimulated by a lover and her mind may respond to the more subconscious erotic turn-ons associated with sexual activity.
Women are not spontaneously aroused so it is never apparent (alone or with a lover) even to them what stimulation they need for orgasm. For a younger woman, inept clitoral stimulation can be highly uncomfortable.
For a man, stimulating a lover’s body acts as an erotic turn-on. But even lesbians stimulate the breasts and vagina. Such stimulation may provide some women with sensual or emotional pleasure but, anyone who is aiming to stimulate a woman to orgasm, should combine delicate manual stimulation over the clitoral hood together with other penetrative stimulation.
Both the stimulation technique and the sensations of mental arousal differ between masturbation alone and stimulation by a lover. With a lover, a woman focuses on the sensations of being stimulated. A woman has to be in the mood to relax and to allow a lover to pleasure her. Her lover has to be motivated to explore providing continual clitoral stimulation regardless of orgasm. A man must use feather-light stimulation of the clitoral glans.
This is combined with vaginal fisting or anal intercourse to stimulate the tumescence in a woman’s internal pelvic anatomy. It takes years of dedication for a man to learn how to stimulate a woman to provide a unique kind of climax that is physically very pleasurable. There is not the same sense of psychological release that masturbation provides (due to using erotic fantasy). The conscious use of fantasies does not transfer to sex. But the fact that a woman can masturbate to orgasm indicates that she is capable of orgasm (she has the minimum responsiveness needed for orgasm).
But even if she does eventually discover how to climax with a lover, a woman is not as strongly motivated by sex as men tend to be (nor does she want it as often) because of the effort involved in achieving orgasm. The rewards of the pleasurable physical sensations do not have the same emotional significance (are not as important) as they appear to be for men.
It often appears as if men are intent on orgasm. Yet rather than discuss orgasm, men like to talk about the turn-ons that initiate their arousal cycle that culminates in orgasm. Women do not experience sex drive or acute arousal (as men do) so orgasm may have more significance for women.
[i] Many younger females … may engage in such specifically sexual activities as petting and even intercourse without discernible erotic reaction. (Alfred Kinsey)
Excerpt from Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (ISBN 978-0956-894717)