Before I started my research, I hadn’t appreciated that my experience was so unusual. Reading Hite’s work in my early twenties, reassured me that I was not alone. Both Kinsey and Hite documented many women who knew that orgasm is rarely possible with a lover. But in many years of talking about sex on the internet, not one woman has come forward to confirm my experience. It must be difficult for others to understand what this feels like. If it was not for Shere Hite, I would assume that I am on the wrong planet.
I assumed initially that other women were talking about the same experience with a lover. Later I realised that women do not understand the need for mental arousal. They think that by responding to male lovemaking, they have orgasms based on emotional feelings. [i] Men always stimulate the penis to orgasm and they need erotic turn-ons (usually visual and supplied by a lover). Women also need consistent stimulation from beginning to end of sexual activity. But more importantly they need to be aroused in their minds. Yet no one can name any female erotic turn-ons with a lover.
I have spent a long time thinking about how I achieve arousal and orgasm. This was more difficult than it sounds. When I masturbate, I use fantasy to block out the real world and to transport myself into a scenario where I can become conscious of my own erotic arousal. The individuals in my fantasies are not based on real people. I focus on the penis and the urge to penetrate. I instinctively put myself psychologically in the role of the penetrating male. I have concluded that this is because the anatomy, the clitoris, is equivalent to the male anatomy. I need to be alone because of the intense mental focus on erotic fantasy that I need in order to generate my arousal.
Lying face down is fundamental to making orgasm possible. The hands rest naturally in the right position over the vulva. I can rock my hips rhythmically from side to side. I can clench my buttock muscles when arousal starts to build. It is an ultimate comfort position, in which I feel safe and secure. I also close my eyes (except when I am reading erotic passages). I have concluded that this is due to the intense nature of the mental focus I need in order to be able to tap into my subconscious physical arousal.
Kinsey found that women take an average of 4 minutes to masturbate to orgasm. It depends where you count from. The difficulty is that it can take a while to get the necessary focus on a fantasy for arousal to kick in. Orgasm can take a minute or two. But often it takes longer because of the fantasy element. But 4 minutes is a good estimate of something that is difficult to estimate accurately, even on the basis of one woman’s experience.
[i] I wish making love were more sensuous touching and less direct genital activity. (Shere Hite)
Excerpt from Understanding Sexual Response (ISBN 978-0956-894762)